How to Speak Like a Cultie.

 

Get out your notebooks and turn to page one. We're going to review the glossary of cult-speak!


Cult:  A group of people who insist they aren't a cult.

Heaven:  A nice place which is apparently going to be very roomy since only about 32 people will get in (12 disciples and about 20 culties).

Hell: A really warm, crowded area located somewhere in the nether regions, possibly beneath Centralia, PA. There will be weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth...and you.  Mother Teresa and Jeanne D'Arc will be there to keep you company along with those African pygmies.  Don't worry - your sweet little grandma will be there too.

Christmas:  That special time of year when the culties ignore their children in order to spend lots of quality time and heaps of money on presents for the truly deserving, namely the cult leader and his family.  This is a really good lesson for the kids because everyone knows that toys and Christmas trees will make them too worldly.  Also, Santa is the devil.


Worldliness:  A state of being in which a person is actually having fun and doesn't need the cult.  Just one of the many reasons why you are going straight to hell.


Husband: A person of the male persuasion who owns a lot of livestock, a.k.a. wife and children. 


Discipline:  A specialty of the husband, who is free to add a little variety to this cult-endorsed activity.  Spin the wheel of fortune!  It could land on hitting with hand or stick, particularly effective on children and wives.  Or if wifey is especially disobedient, (perhaps she's been caught watching TV on a Sunday), you can lock her out of the house all day and refuse to feed her.  Keep it up until she is inspired to attend bible study and confess the evil of her ways.  (but don't hold your breath on that one)  Get creative!  Use your imagination, there's a good fellow!


Being a "born again Christian":  A rather elusive condition reserved for the cult leaders to bestow or remove at their discretion.  Hey!  I think it's time for a song!

  First you is a Christian, then you ain't a Christian, then you is!         

(Sung to Donovan's "First There is a Mountain"):

Repeat ad infinitum or until the cult kicks you out.

Witnessing:  This one is fun and strongly recommended!  Make sure you tell all your family members living "on the outside" that they are going to hell.  It's for their own good!  Make sure you're eloquent because after they "react" you won't be seeing your "heathen" family ever again.


Reacting: Getting pissed for any reason whatsoever.  This can also include having an unauthorized expression on your face.  If you've been in a cult long enough, by the time you get out you will have mastered the ultimate poker face, so it's all good.


The Hot Seat:  The special chair or a crowded portion of the dining room floor where you will sit while 30 other culties surround you and pry out your most humiliating secrets and failures.  If you can't come up with any on your own, don't worry...they make a few up just for you.  Because they love you.


The One True Church of God: THEY are, you big dummy!


Heathens: Everybody else, of course!


Forbidden activities: Basic rule of thumb...if it's fun or feels good it's probably a no-no.  Going somewhere unaccompanied by another cultie?  Unwise.  Las Vegas? You gotta be kidding!  Skinny dipping?  Like hell you will!  Seeing a movie before the cult leaders give it the seal of approval?  Boy, you're just asking for it.


And worst of all, don't even think about, uh, spanking the monkey.  Choking the chicken is going to get you into some serious trouble, dude.  That goes for you too, ladies.  Interfering with yourself is nothing but the slippery slope to Hades.


Come on now, let's just end this post with a little common sense:  If God didn't want us to masturbate He would have made our arms shorter....right?